Was such a perfect loser that my guy friends would scold me "loser" in my face.
Not that they meant to hurl hurtful remarks at me, but rather, they were so angry with me, they felt like kicking balls in my face to "wake" me up (ask waileong & jyoji haha)
Throughout the past 26 years of my life, my mission was to make others happy. Especially those that i like.
Not that making others happy isn't a good thing. It is, if you are happy too. Problem is, i tried making people happy at the expense of my own happiness.
If a guy was to buy me a $2.50 pie from any ordinary cake shop, i would gladly bake him a cake, buying $20 worth of ingredients and perhaps finding a heart-shape cake pan to make it perfect.
If a guy treated me coldly, i would pout and ponder and have long heart-to-heart talks with him to see what I have done wrong. Instead of backing off, i would compensate further by treating him like a king, hoping to "re-ignite" his passion.
I would carry torches for guys who treated me normally like "buddies", and gladly paddle in murky waters with them... Until they found their "true love" and eventually pushed me away.
If you asked me, was i happy? Honestly speaking, not really.
I did all these with the expectations of them treating me back the same. That is, if i were to plan romantic evenings with the person i like, i HOPE this could be the perfect hint, that i would like them to treat me back the same.
When they didn't (of cos they didn't!), i would be super upset and hurt, thinking why after all that i've done for them, all i got in return was being taken for granted... Or being treated half-heartedly.
Yes, without any shame, i got to admit that i once lived my life like that.
Who doesn't have a past?
I was weak... Mentally and spiritually. I didn't have anything to hold on to, besides farked up relationships.
I didn't know what i truly wanted... And gladly settled for less. Deep inside, hoping i could have the power to "change" these leopards and got pretty upset when mission impossible failed. I cooked up excuses for their lousy behavior, and still gladly went on with the r/s though i know i should have just left.
It was after a super farked up incident that totally changed me.
And after bashings from my beloved uncle, who took alot of time and effort to analyse to me my mistakes and "slapped" me again and again in the face.
I truthfully sat down and re-examined myself. I wrote nights after nights in my private journal and re-read what i have written to find out where had gone wrong all these years.
Truth is, i had been over-compensating.
I didn't feel happy, i didn't feel good about myself. Instead of directing my energy to those who truly cared about me, i spent more time trying to make others (aka bastards) love me.
I became more aware of what i wanted, i prioritise my family and friends who stood by me above the rest, i made sure i have a fulfilling life, i enjoyed my job, and i tried things which i've never imagined i will do in the past.
I've fallen in love with long distance running, i picked up aerobics, i went around sg with my friends for good food, i went partying and most importantly, i love my new-found life. I felt energetic and confident.
The next thing i want to try is belly dancing and cable skiing and i just signed up for a personal make up course for year 2010.
And i made sure i enjoyed my dates. If the person's behavior is lacking, i backed off without any explanation. No good behavior? No contact.
I would schedule my days accordingly to my own plans, and if they want to date me? They better book me earlier according to which day/time i am free. No last minute requests.
If i am tired or sick? Sorry, another night. Rest comes above everything. If you can't even respect that? Sorry, you don't even deserve a date with me.
If we come out and you're in a bad mood? The old me would have been the "perfect loser" by forcing conversations with all the BIG "WHYS?". The new me would be glad to end the night earlier and go home enjoying my tv program or my bed. You are old enough to settle your own emotional problems.
A few nights ago...
One of my dates told me, "I have never treated any girl this well before... It seems like you are different from the rest. You have expectations & priorities, and i respect that."
I ignored the first few lines. What caught my ears was the last line. And i felt damn good in the ego department. If he knew how i once was, he would have never looked at me this way.
This post was written truthfully in the hope of giving a warning sign to all the females out there.
I have seen many beautiful girlfriends who were like the old me. They could have easily summon all the wonderful things in the world to come to them, but they have gladly settled for less.
Guys will have you do many things for them, only if YOU allowed them to.
If they truly love you and respect you, everything will just stream in effortlessly.
You don't have to play the guessing game, you don't have to do alot of things for them to come your way, you don't have to strip naked in front of them, you don't have to beg for their love.
If they like you, and want you, they will simply come your way. No grey areas, no maybe, no "you wana hang out with my buddies?".
If they want you badly, they won't want to lose you. They will want to tell the world that you are his girlfriend cos they do not want to see other "hunters" preying you away. It's too painful to lose you.
If they tell you OR you suspect that they are not confident enough to ask you out, becos u are too nice, becos you are too beautiful, blah blah blah....
FORGET IT.
Ask them to kiss their own arse. If a guy doesn't have the balls to ask you out for an awesome date, would you want this guy as a partner for life?
Many guys become assholes because their gfs allow them to be. Read Xiaxue's old post here.
I know very well that by reading this post won't change anything. Becos you got to go through it yourself, get the hell out of it, and grow up. Nobody's words gonna make a difference.
Whatever it is, prioritise yourself above others. Love yourself.
Becos you only have this life to live, and sometimes, all you have is yourself, your dignity, and your confidence to depend on.
Face it.
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