-- We deserve SO much MORE! --

I have always blamed myself for not loving him more.
That's y he went away.

I have always blamed myself for not meeting up with him during those few days.
That's y the other girl got that chance.

I have always blamed myself for being overly emotional.
That's y he couldn't take it and went away.

I have always blamed myself for not meeting him that one last time to talk. That's y there's no more hopes.

I have always blamed myself for not being brave enough to beg further.
Maybe, maybe he will stay.

For the past few months, i have been living almost everyday with guilt.
Living with regrets. Living with tingling questions in my head-

What did i do wrong? What will happen if i do something differently?
What shld i do to get him back? What makes him just pop n disappear with another girl? What is left in my life? What shld i do?

It then developed into a vicious cycle.

I tried all sorts of ways to get his attention - emails, frenster msgs, smses. I lost hopes. I lost my last traces of dignity. I lost my senses. I lost every bet.

I looked through all the smses he sent, the lovey dovey emails, the promises he never kept......

And i looked like a pitiful worm living in my little hole, flipping through the old, filthy pages of a book that is long out of my hold.

Just like some of my friends, i went through the same stages.

Maybe the contents are different, but the experiences are somewhat similar.

The 'shocking' stage, the confusion stage, the denial stage, the post-denial stage, the pre-acceptance stage, the acceptance stage, and then the awakening stage.

U will someday wake up and thank god u didnt let the half-rotten apple continue to decay.

And the only thing to salvage, is not this r/s but YOU yourself.

aCCept the pain, grOw with the pAin, and move on.

di di sms me this morning @ 4.30am:

"Jie, i tink i cant forget my ex forever... hai..."

And i replied him @ 9.30am:

"We can never forget that one person who once meant everything to us. I cant you cant. BUT u can choose to stick with grief for as long as u want, or you can make a difference in your life. I think the 2nd option suits u better di di. My di di is SOOO awesome!! WOOHOO!"

I dont noe if he can digest that fact. BUT that is a FACT.

We all thought we couldn't survive the ordeal when we scored badly in our A levels. But we always have alternatives. We all thought we couldn't survive through tragedies. But there are many egs in this world who are still living their lives pretty meaningful.

YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T BECOS YOU THOUGHT SO.

Right now, i survived. I survived through the loss of 'gd friends' and i survived through the loss of a man whom i 'thought' he loves me.

And right now as i recalled the past one year, as i typed those words all the way above, i really felt like laughing out LOUD. HAHAHAHA

I've never been happier than now !!!

I have a stable job, a comfortable income, i learnt to love & pamper myself so much more, i learnt to pace my life the way i wanted to, i don't have to beg n plot to get someone's attention, i dont wana be that pitiful kitten anymore, i have alllllll the freedom i've always longed for, i'm learning to sip red wine & champagne, i hanged around with friends when i'm feeling lonely and i've never ever felt so much peace within.

从未有过的平静生活。

We all get through it. Somehow. It's all in the mind.

=)

And excuse me, now i'm gg to polish my nails and preparing to meet my friends for dinner later and Xmas celebrations tomoro! WoOhOo!

XIN CAN DO IT. SO CAN YOU! ^^,)/ WE ALL DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

CHEERS! MERRY XMAS!